Sunday, 28 September 2014

Sometimes you just need to sit and be quiet

I took some time just to sit and listen to the world around me last weekend. 

After a busy week at work and dealing with home life and kids the weekend seemed to be whizzing by at such a pace I needed to just stop.



The birds were talking to each other, the wind was blowing the leaves and even the cows were mooing in the field.
The sun was still warm shining through the trees...

For a moment all the worries, stress, sadness were gone.

I felt at peace, like I belonged. 

Sometimes we all need to just sit and not think so much, just take a look at the world around us and not be caught up in the madness of life.

I challenge you to try it, I know I will be doing this again soon. 

x

Monday, 15 September 2014

Another meltdown

Well for a while we have been experiencing meltdowns with my eldest. But lately I'm getting upset listening to her and the things that are making her upset...

My heart just breaks a little more with each thing she's worrying about. 


Tonight she told me she doesn't know how to deal with the emotions that she's feeling.

We have talked about how her body is changing and hormones can be to blame, we talked about a ways where we don't always end up shouting and screaming at each other.
 She's worried about being a good person and wants to be better person but she doesn't know how. She's worried about being a good role model for her younger sister and also she a worrying about what other people think of her.  

She went on a weekend away with her new school and she was nervous about it on the day she was going (Friday) she said the thought of going was making her feel ill and she was going to miss us. She went to France and a week away with her primary school and was fine.
I held back the tears while trying to tell her that she is an amazing person even thought she has her little breakdowns every now and again I love her with all my heart.
She has dealt with leaving primary school and starting high school so well. I'm so proud of her.
She is so down on herself at the moment and I don't know how to pick her up or even the right words to say to her. 


To me she is still my baby and want to make everything OK for her. But I don't know how other than telling her she's amazing and that I love her. To see her sobbing and how vulnerable she is really makes me sad. 

Sunday, 31 August 2014

A promise to my blog

Dear Blog,

This summer I had it in my head that we would spend a lot of time together, there would be plenty of posts and smiles all round. It was not fault of yours it was all me. 
I didn't make the time to spend with you and I so wanted too, life seemed to get in the way.

I have neglected you for far to long, so I am making this promise to you and everyone can see it now that it is posted here. 

I'm going to spend some time here again hoping that I can get back in the swing of things. Yes it may be hard to find that bit of time now that I'm going back to work and the kids back to school. But I WILL find some time.

I've missed this little corner of the internet that I can call my own.

xxxx


End of summer

Well the summer has past by so fast this year, it seems to be going faster each year.
 

This summer we have enjoyed some time away on a family holiday even though I fell ill (that's happened two years in a row now) then the rest of the family dropped one by one with the same bug, even with this we still managed to enjoy out time away.
 We also got to celebrate 2 birthdays with my imp turning 7 and my eldest turning 11 I don't really know where the years have gone, it's scary how fast they grow up.
 

In the middle of this me and the Mr celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary, we have had our ups and down but I couldn't live without him.

We have managed to do all the school uniform shopping and get it all done without stress still not sure I'm really for my eldest to be starting high school and my imp moving into juniors. 

We are enjoying the last weekend of the holiday which means I'm going to busy sorting uniforms and getting myself ready to head back to work.  

Roll on the early get ups and the manic mornings, I've enjoyed the holidays but I'm ready to get back I to a routine.

Monday, 23 June 2014

Anxiety.. me?



Last weekend I set out on my first trip to the big smoke alone. I dropped the kids at school and then made sure I had everything I needed packed and I headed out the the train station, I got my train and found my seat and I even blogged on the journey.

I arrived at Euston station after travelling  2 1/2hours from up north. I nervously got of the train and followed the way out signs on arriving in the hustle and bustle of the station.
Looking around trying to find where to go next all of a sudden I felt rooted the spot my heart pounding, my body starting to shake, my breathing becoming more frantic.
I  could hear my heart pounding but I couldn't do anything I was just stood there.

I kept telling myself to calm down, I could feel the tears ready to start rolling trying to hold them back I scanned the station looking for the sign to the underground  and slowly made my way to join the people around me who had no idea of the battle that was going on inside me.

Scared of going down those escalators knowing that soon I would be underground with no phone reception, know one to help me. My hands shaking as I looked at the map trying to find where I needed to go. Focus is what I kept saying to myself, you can do it. 

Proud to say that I did manage to get on the right tube even though my was shaking and scared I wasn't on the right one and who would help me if I got lost... Those 3 stops before I had to get off felt like a life time (yes just 3). 
Knowing I was at the right station made me feel better but only once I have exited the tube station did I take a deep breath and let a few tears roll "I did it!", "I did it!" and doing a small happy dance inside.

What I did forget while I was in the big smoke was I would have to make that same journey back.....

It started to build up a few hours before my train was due to leave I even thought about just getting a taxi to Euston and not taking the tube at all but a friend told me I could do it she encouraged me to take the tube I was so nervous already and told her she couldn't leave me but unfortunately she had to take a different line and then all of a sudden I was on my own again, hands shaking, heart pounding for the whole 3 stops. Arriving at Euston and getting back to the hustle and bustle I just needed to sit and calm myself down. I grabbed some food and found some where to sit, my whole body shaking made it difficult for me to eat and in the end I didn't eat much as I felt so sick. 

There was still a whole hour to wait for my train back up north, there were so many people around I stood shaking until the screen showed me what platform I needed to head to. It was a long journey home and well I didn't feel good all the way home. I just wanted it to hurry up so i could be some where I felt safe, I wanted to be home. Even tho I had an awesome weekend.

I have never suffered from anxiety before so all this was a complete shock to me, I think I will look into it a little more. 

x


Friday, 20 June 2014

On my way to Britmums Live 2014

Well I cant believe it has come round so quick, I have packed re packed and checked and checked again and again. I think I am ready to go...Well it's a bit to late if I have forgotten anything as I am currently sat on the train to the big smoke! 
This is the first time that I have travelled to London by myself and I'm feeling nervous about it. I am proud that I have managed to get on the right train and hopefully arrive in to Euston a little less nervous than I am right now.
Sat looking out the window watching the world whizz by. It feels kind of strange that I have left my family to fend for themselves... will they cope??? I'm sure that they will and I know there will be fun had.

We have just passed our last stop, the next stop will be London eeekkk.
A few butterflies are going around in my tummy.

I've asked myself what the hell am I doing a few times already.

Theres no turning back, if you do seem me please make sure that you say hello. 

Right going to check my case one more time... yes on the train.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Bit of a mind dump



So yesterday it was back to school and work after halfterm. 
It was while I was on the school run chatting to one of my friends she said "I've never seen you so stressed out before." 
She was right I've been feeling crap for a few days letting the weight if the world weigh me down. 
Halfterm should have been something to enjoy, spending time with the kids. But I didn't really enjoy it this time… 
Why? I'm not really sure. I know I was lacking some motivation and then looking at the house knowing there was (and still is) a lot to do. 

It's hard trying to manage working and all the stuff at home too. 

I think that's what made me feel so low I feel like a failure as a mum, wife and being me. 
I take my hat off to those mums who manage to work and keep their home looking spotless.
There was also arguing between my girls and that winds me up at times. My tween is acting like a full blown teenager and wow it's hard to cope with at times. Her favourite thing to say at the moment is 'For gods sake!' She loves to slam doors and speaks to her sister in a not nice way. 
They just don't seem to get at all at the moment and at times I'm the one that's ready to blow a fuse. This halfterm they have been in top form with pushing my buttons, I know that it's only going to get worse once she goes to high school. 
There are times when they are so nice to each other but the arguing out weighs the mixed times at the moment. 

I was glad to get back in to a routine and to have a 'break' from the kids with them now back at school. 
There is still so much to do at home and would love for the cleaning fairies to turn up and give me a helping hand. But we all know that won't happen. 
I'm tired when I come home from work the to cook and then start cleaning is the last thing I want to do.


I need to find a way to balance everything.


*Takes a deep breath in and then out*